


Hello? My name is Charlie Price

by lesbianmezzo, meggysmeg



Category: Kinky Boots (2005), The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Lola really likes playing Cupid, M/M, Please Don't Take This Seriously, everyone is really gay, pretty sure it counts as crack, this is just weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 05:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8388496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianmezzo/pseuds/lesbianmezzo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/meggysmeg/pseuds/meggysmeg
Summary: Following the death of his father Charlie Price decided to get in contact with some old family in particular a certain Mormon cousin. Queue the akward first meeting of Elder Kevin Price and Charlie Price.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a weird ass thing I wrote with my girlfriend Catriona, please don't take this seriously after the first paragraph it's all in jest.  
> We used to have face claims here but we were clearly high off sugar when we wrote this, and they made no sense, but we were also dancing around our feelings for each other so can you blame us?  
> I would like to point out that for Kinky Boots we were using the Original West End cast, just incase any of you are confused about blonde Lauren (that's something they did in the musical, not sure why)

Dead. The word hit his ears like a train. His Dad was dead and here he was celebrating getting away from him.

“Nicola, we need to go back to Northampton” Charlie muttered

“What? Why? We just got here!” Nicola said

“Yeah but, my dad… he’s just… died”

Nicolas face dropped “Oh, ok then”

They were on the first train out of the city.

* * *

 

After the funeral Charlie set about contacting his Dad’s extended relatives. The only person he could think of to call was his Dad’s brother, Charlie knew that the brothers had grown distant over the years especially when James had moved to Utah and became a Mormon. Harold and their father hadn’t approved of the move but James believed and felt he couldn’t reach his full Mormon potential outside of the Salt Lake City or as he called it “The true Mormon paradise.”

 

He’d never met any of his Uncles family and the meetings with his uncle had been very strained. Charlie fished around in the office draws and found some old phone books, he flipped through them until he found a faint number scribbled in pencil on the back page. The writing was faint but the words ‘James “Traitor” Price’ was clear enough to make out, Charlie assumed it was all in jest, some of the numbers weren’t overly clear so Charlie had to guess; after a few attempts he finally called the correct person.

 

“Hello” A cheery voice answered “Price household”

“Um, hi, my names Charlie Price, I’m trying to get a hold of James Price”

“Oh you must be Harrys kid, how is the old fellow?”

“Actually that’s what I was calling about. He’s um… he’s dead”

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I haven’t seen him in such a long time but I have some brilliant memories from when we were younger. Look kiddo I know this must be tough for you so how about I get you in touch with one of your cousins, he’s a couple of years younger than you but considering your dad is no longer around to object it might be worth a shot.”

“Oh, that would be great thank you. I’ve got a lot going on at the moment but if you give me the number I’ll call him as soon as I get a free minute.”

“Awesome, he’s in Uganda at the moment but I’m sure he’d be more than happy to hear from you.”

“Great, thanks”

* * *

About 2 months later in Uganda – a phone started to ring.

“Hello?”

“Hi… uh… is this uh… I mean uh… so I’ve never done this before”

“Are you the dude from Amazon because if so, yes I live in a mud hut, yes I ordered the Spock Siren helmet, just knock on the door we are fully aware there is no doorbell.”

“I’m not from Amazon I’m from Northampton, my names Charlie”

“Oh great, Charlie!  I’m Arnold!”

“Is there a Kevin Price around?”

“There sure is, he’s my best friend. He’s in the other room; I think he’s just been talking to Elder McKinley because Connor is blushing and muttering to ‘turn it off’ which he always does once he’s spoken to Kevin. KEVIN THERE’S A WEIRD ENGLISH GUY ON THE PHONE!!!”

There was a second of silence before another voice replaced Arnolds “I’m really sorry about him, he gets excited. I’m Kevin Price by the way, former next Joseph Smith”

“I’m Charlie Price, we’re uh Cousins”

“Dad always said I had cousins but I never realised I had one my age”

“Well actually I’m a couple years older but it’s not too big a gap. I was wondering if you had time to maybe meet up? I want to get in touch with some of my family since my dad passed away a couple of months ago.”

“Well I’m sorry to hear that but I’m sure he’s with Heavenly Father now”

“We’re not Mormon”

“Well technically, neither are we. We got excommunicated a couple of months ago.”

“Is there some time we could meet up? I could always fly out to Uganda I that’s easiest for you?”

“Nope, nope, that’s fine” Kevin looked around the room and suddenly there was a yell from the kitchen

“WHOEVER ATE THE LAST POPTART WILL BE HAVING A HELL DREAM TONIGHT AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT IT IS THE WORST YOU HAVE EVER HAD!!!”

“I’ll come to you” Kevin finished

“What was that? Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, that’s Elder Thomas, I think Con.. I mean Elder McKinley took the last PopTart”

“You’ll have a hard time beating the one I had last night” Elder McKinley could be heard yelling from somewhere in the house.

“You can come whenever you like.” Charlie responded. “I think the hard part is over up at the shoe factory.”

“I’ll come as soon as I can. Thank you”

“I’ll give you my address. Have you got some paper?”

* * *

 

“So, Elder, that is why I’m going to be leaving for a couple of weeks.”

“ _YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME KEVIN!_ ” Arnold screeched, and Connor silently, secretly thought something quite similar.

“No, Elder, I have to go, it’s a family matter.”

“But, Kev, you have to take me with you! Rule 72, remember?”

“Does that really still apply? Since we broke like every other rule.”

Arnold looked at Kevin, raised a quizzical eyebrow and began to turn his head towards Connor.

Kevin spluttered “W-well, most rules…”

Arnold looked visibly disappointed. “Well, rule 72 still applies if it means that we get to go on holiday! Can I bring Nasal spray?”

“Nabulungi?”

“That, yes, her…”

“You’re engaged.”

“Whatever.”

Connor stood up and walked over to the two. “I insist on coming with you. As we have determined, I am the mom friend, so I need to be here to look after your passports, and take care of other… stuff…”

“I’m coming too!” Elder Poptarts yelled. By this point Kevin had lost any hope of being able to sort his thoughts out on a trip away from everyone.

“So, there’s five of us?” Kevin said

“Yes! Needles can be in charge.” Arnold said enthusiastically.

“Needles?”

“Neeley. I call him Needles because he’s sharp.”

“He doesn’t and even if he did I wouldn’t approve of it” Neeley yelled

“Well maybe I should” Arnold retorted

“Back on topic” Connor exclaimed “Elders Cunningham, Poptarts, myself and Nabulungi will be joining Kev… I mean Elder Price on his journey to England to meet his cousin. Elder Neeley will be in charge of the district in my absence.”

The next day the five were making their way to the airport.

* * *

“So what you listening to?” Kevin asked Connor a few hours into their flight.

Connor looked at his phone; If you were gay – Avenue Q, he skipped it. Fantasies do come true – Avenue Q, SKIP! Helpless – Hamilton, SKIP!!! Why were all show tunes unhelpful at this time.

“Uh, just some show tunes” He laughed awkwardly.

* * *

 

Once they landed in Heathrow they got the train up to Northampton, the British transport system was an experience for them to say the least. Naba and Arnold were staring at the countryside that ran past the window so hard that anyone watching would think their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.

“I didn’t know there was this much green in the world” Naba squealed

“There is lots of green, there’s not this much green in Utah either” Arnold agreed.

Poptarts silently munched on a cold PopTart, Connor was too _distracted_ to notice any of this. Kevin had fallen asleep on his shoulder and Connor was staring aggressively forward, clenching his fist, whispering ‘turn it off’ under his breath.

“You all right?” Poptarts asked

“I’m. Fine” He pushed out

The five “Mormons” eventually arrived in Northampton and hopped off the train and made their way to the Factory.

Kevin knocked on the door, a very large, intimidating man opened it.

“Alright who are you and what do you want?”

“Hello, my name is Kevin Price, I’m here to see Charlie”

“Oi, Charlie your gay Mormon cousin’s here with his three boyfriends and one girlfriend”

Connor spluttered, Kevin looked faint “We’re not gay” they said at the same time

“But I thought you were?” Poptarts looked confused

At that moment Charlie slid down the ladder in a rush, he looked highly dishevelled, but Connor though he looked damn fine.

“Oh my gosh” He breathed “All Prices are HOT”

Arnold rubbed his hands together with glee “I heard that” he whispered, Connor blushed.

“Hi I’m Charlie, please ignore Don he’s an arse” The shoe maker slid past his employee and stuck his hand out for his cousin to shake.

“I’m Kevin” The other Price replied “This is Elders McKinley, Cunningham and Thomas but we call him Poptarts”

“Because I love them so much” He interrupted, Kevin sighed

“And this is Sister Nabulungi” He finished, she gave a sheepish little wave, Charlie waved back.

“Come in, come in. I’ll take you up to the office so you can dump your luggage there then I’ll give you the tour.” Charlie offered

The group started to move towards the stairs but suddenly the doors slid open and a tall woman glided down the stairs.

“Woah” Elder McKinley muttered “I’m straighter than I thought, that’s confusing”

“It’s alright love, I’m a man” Lola said

“Turn it off, turn it off, turn. It. Off” Connor muttered.

Lola strutted up to Connor, close, very close, too close for Connor’s conscious liking, then ran a long nail along his jaw. Connor closed his eyes and clenched his fists. “Do you want a sequined vest with that comment too?” Lola breathed.

Kevin squared up and looked Lola in the eye. “Who are you, and _what_ are you doing?”

“Don’t get jealous, lover boy: I’ll get onto you next.” Both Kevin and Connor blushed “I’m Lola by the way. Resident drag queen, star, performer, designer, business adviser and of course love interest.” She clutched Charlie’s hand “Don’t worry sweetie I’m not going anywhere”

“I’m fully aware of that” Charlie deadpanned. “Should we be getting to the office?”

“Yes, that would be a fantastic idea. Charlie, should I lead the tour? I’m probably better qualified than you in both public speaking and… Americans.” Lola then caught sight of Naba, at the back of the group. “Oh my gosh. Your hair is so gorgeous. I have tried everything, honestly, woah.”

“Oh? This? Thank you!” Naba beamed!

“You are the cutest! You-“ she said, pointing at Arnold “are very lucky.”

Arnold was astounded “How did she-“

“Another of my many talents. I know _exactly_ what cupid has in store for all of you.” She looked pointedly at Kevin and raised her eyebrows. Kevin flushed another ferocious shade of red. “Onto the office!” Lola commanded, and gestured up the stairs to the office.

Charlie, however, preferred to take the ladder. “It’s the only exercise I get.” He explained.

“And doesn’t it pay off!” Lola smirked, making everyone else in the building feel very uncomfortable.

 

“Lola, I’ve told you, nobody wants to hear about your sex life!” Came a voice from the office. The party looked up to see a blonde-haired girl, perhaps in her early 20s, with her hair dangling through the interior office window that looked out over the workshop floor. “We hear about it too often, love.”

“Sorry, darling, can’t resist. You’re just jealous I stole him from you after Milan!” Lola said

“Never really wanted him in the first place!” Lauren stuck her tongue out and retreated into the office.

“How does that make me feel?!” Said Charlie with feigned outrage.

“We’re all sick of this shit already, get over yourselves!” Don said between hoots of laughter.

 

The Elders all gasped at the language.

“Come on guys, I thought you all had character development after the week Elder Price and Arnold arrived!” Nabulungi sighed, shaking her head.

“True. True.” The four Elders agreed.

Kevin went up the ladder _very closely_ followed by Connor, claiming he could “use the _exercise_ too”.

Nabulungi, Poptarts and Arnold followed Lola’s elegant ascent of the stairs, fully entranced by her. In the office, they were greeted by Lauren, with a mouthful of her breakfast.

“Um, I don’t mean to be rude, but have you got any more of those here?” Poptarts said, pointing to the half-eaten Poptart on Lauren’s plate.

“Oh, you’re not eating those again are you? You’re aware that it’s basically plastic. Ew.” Lola grimaced.

“Hold me back, Hold. Me. Back.”

“Wait, you like them too? It’s really difficult to get them here-“ Lauren asked.

“Yeah, that’s why the folks call me Poptarts. ‘Cause I love ‘em so much.”

The other three Elders looked on in dismay.

Lauren bounded over to Poptarts squealing and pulled him into an affectionate headlock. “This is my son, I must protect him.” She said and ruffled his hair. Poptarts looked vaguely scared.

Lauren bounced away to observe the whole crowd. “You must be Kevin. Yeah, yeah, I _definitely_ see the resemblance between this one and you, Charlie. You both look like bags of anxiety.”

Arnold snorted “Don’t try and argue with that Kev. We all know she’s right about you there.”

“Ooh, look at you! This one is adorable too!” She said, her eyes widening at Arnold. “His hair looks so fluffy! And you- you are so, so cute! What’s your name?”

“Nabulungi!” She said with a little giggle.

“And Lola, love?”

“Yes darling?”

“What are we going to do about pretty freckles over there?”

“Don’t worry, it’s all under control.”

“Oh my _god_ , this is my family, don’t do anything stupid…” Charlie mumbled

“You know my methods Charlie boy.”

“Alright.” Charlie sighed. “So, Kevin, would you like to go for a drink? We have 19 years of catching up to do, after all.”

“Sure, Charlie! That’d be great. Con- I mean…Elder, would you take my bag for me?”

“Of course, Elder.”

“We really have got a lot of work to do, haven’t we, Lauren.” Lola muttered.

“Yes, love.”

* * *

“So, that’s why I’m allowed drink coffee now.”

“Arnold- is he the short one with the curly hair?”

“Yes, yes, that’s him. He and Nabulungi are engaged, much to her father’s conflicting joy and despair.”

“Ah right. So you and… um… the ginger one?”

“Oh! Oh, gosh no. No. We’re not- intimate- no.”

“Oh, sorry. Sorry. Lola seems to think otherwise. But then she’s Lola- she think’s everyone is gay.”

“Really?”

“Well, I’m a case that she certainly wasn’t wrong about. But that worked out well for her too, I guess.”

“You’re-“

“Yeah.”

“You and Lola-“

“Yeah.”

“Oh! Goodness.”

* * *

Poptarts, Naba, and Arnold had elected to stay with Lauren.

“We really have to do something about your two friends.” Lauren said, sitting on a box in the corner of the room.

“Oh, we’ve tried. _Believe me,_ we’ve tried.” Arnold sighed “Connor insists he’s been successful in ‘turning it off’, and my buddy Kevin tries to convince me he’s not gay. He very much is.”

“There was the time we tried to trip them up and make them fall into each other, but Elder McKinley just fell into some sheep shit.” Said Naba. Lauren snorted.

“Lola will sort them out. That’s what she does. She sorted Charlie out. And me. Actually I’m beginning to wonder if anyone in this factory is actually completely straight. Except maybe Don.”

 

* * *

Lola had invited Connor for a short walk, and a long talk. She was very determined.

“Do you mind if I call you Connor? Elder sounds so much less friendly, don’t you think?”

“No, no, that’s fine.”

“Right, I believe we have some talking to do. First things first, a pink case? Really? Pink?”

“I personally think that it’s a nice colour.” Connor said indignantly.

“Oh, Connor, dear. Pink is for playthings. Red, however, is for sex, _lust,_ and signs that say ‘Do Not Enter’.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, sir, uh, ma’am. Sorry.”

“It’s no problem. But of course you do know what I’m talking about otherwise you wouldn’t have followed your _friend_ so closely up that ladder. Or be blushing that bright red; and as we know, red is the colour of lust”

Connor was rendered speechless. He stared up at Lola, and she stared back as if to say: ‘gotcha’.

Connor hung his head. “He doesn’t feel the same.”

Lola stopped and began to laugh. She doubled over and clutched her stomach before looking back up at him with tears in her eyes. “All of you closeted gays are the same, aren’t you.”

“I don’t understand”

“Oh, Connor, you poor thing. Neither of you can see, can you?”

“I resent your implications, and have to say that you don’t know Kevin like I do.”

“Gays. We’re all the same. You need to come to terms with yourself before you start trying to come to terms with Kevin. Don’t ‘turn it off’ as you keep saying to yourself.” Connor looked panicked. “Connor, I have excellent hearing. You’ve got to stop saying that- It isn’t going to do you any good.”

“But- I have these dreams, every night, and it’s horrible and cold and Kevin’s there-“

“Sweetie, maybe you trying to ‘turn it off’ is the cause of these dreams.”

“Oh.”


End file.
